A pet is what you are to me. And a dying one is what you truly are. No, you’re not a bubble, nor are you the rainbow when it starts to rain in my life. But don’t get me wrong please; I don’t treat you as a pet nor do I see you as one as I know you have your own thoughts, your own feelings. But most importantly, you have your own life. It is never my intention to dictate your life. It’s just that, as a pet… It is as common a knowledge that human beings do outlive our most darlings of all darlings from the animal kingdom. We do. So, with this knowledge intact, what am I to do now that I know you, my darling pet, is dying? What to do now that it is obvious that wherever I turn, I see your face, my dear pet, haunting me with your dying look? Those sloppy eyes and downward frown… Oh, is that a trace of tears I see rolling down your pale cheek? Are you sad my dear pet? But…are you sad because you are dying or because you are leaving me? Can you answer me please?
Do you know that every time I see you my dear pet, I wish I am able to perform some kind of miracle operation that can pull the cancer out of your heart or wherever it is that is hurting you most. I want to do it for both your sake and mine too. Because the thought of you dying… It is as if I am dying with you too.
But since this heartbreaking event is evidently inevitable, what should I do then dear pet? Should I just leave you alone or should I do the opposite? Should I shower all my love and attention to nurture our bond so that you will eventually leave this place with happy memories of me, dear pet? I guess, that is what I am trying to do. Put up an act as if the thought of you dying does not even occupy the tiniest portion of my mind. In fact, the contrary is happening. Every single second, every single hour, every single breath that I’m taking right now, there is only one thing that is of utmost important to me. You, my favorite pet – the one that has given me the most joy currently – are dying. And I can’t run away from that fact; in spite of the many prayers I have prayed. What am I to do now? Can you give me a hint, dear pet, of a way out of this sorrow? I need to know as I don’t want you to leave this earth with the image of me crying as your last memory. I wouldn’t want it for you, my dear pet. The thought of you being sad, just the thought of it, brings tears to my eyes as if you are dying right in front of me right at this moment.
Those closest to me are telling me to cherish every single moment that you are still breathing in my presence. Cherish the fact that as of now you ARE still with me. You are still rubbing against my ankle, sleeping on my lap, and doing the things you’ve been doing with me since before. I know I can never feel the warmth of your fur against my skin anymore after this, but as of now, I still can do. Oh, how worlds apart are the two states; the memory and the reality.
But I guess I should not be selfish anymore. I think it is time for me to start doing the noble thing which is to act as if everything is as normal as it will ever get. My pet, I know you are dying gradually. I KNOW, and that makes all the difference. The right thing for me to do now is to be an Oscar winner. And I will. For you my dear pet, I will give my best performance as if everything is exactly as how it used to be. And when you die, dear pet, I promise you I will make sure that there won’t be a single scar of regret on either of our heart. My dear pet, you can leave now, you have my blessings. Take everything you need with you and leave me naked; because, it doesn’t make much a difference once you’re gone.
-Syaza Farhana Mohamad Shukri-